Conscientious Objector Packet Essays

b. Training and belief

(1) Specific Statement: I am requesting discharge and classification as a conscientious objector 1-0.

(2) Nature of Beliefs: I believe that the whole world belongs to God. Every creature is a product of his creation, and therefore possesses intrinsic value beyond human understanding. Because I uphold the worth of humanity, as God’s “good” creation, I value all life. Life is God’s gift to every human being; I do not believe it is the right of any man or woman to take that life from another human being. I believe God is the only true judge of good and evil- it is not a responsibility that falls on humanity. Therefore, I do not believe it is the right of any man or woman, based upon the judgment of the measure of evil in another human being, to determine the final course of action for that human being’s life. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and my belief in him binds me to model my life after the life he lived on this earth. Jesus said “if someone slaps you on the cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well.” Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Jesus said “no greater love is this, then if you would lay down your life for another.” I believe that if you truly love someone, you will be willing to promote that individual’s best interest at the risk of self-sacrifice. My faith in God compels me to lay down my weapon as an act of protection for those who cannot defend themselves.

(3) Development of Beliefs: I joined the U.S Army at 18 years old because my belief in God has always lead me to do something for the greater cause of humanity. I dedicated my life to helping people in need through voluntary military service, and anticipated overseas deployments in which I could experience new cultures and languages.

Basic Training was complete culture shock- nothing less than I expected it to be. The U.S began the occupation of Iraq while I was in my third week of training. The Drill Sergeants would scream, “We’re training you to kill those damn towel heads.” I believed in God’s love for the so-called “enemy” we were training to kill. Despite the comments offensiveness, my beliefs never crystallized about becoming or being a CO. I did not even know what a CO was; I was focused on finishing the initial training and getting to my permanent duty station.

After Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training, I went to Johnson Bible College where I majored in Bible, theology, and missions. The military, during my years in college, became a great source of personal pride. My college and church were very supportive of the military and the war in Iraq. I was approached by two Command Sergeant Majors and two Officers to consider getting a direct commission as a chaplain because of my religious studies. I turned the offer down on all occasions because I felt that my vocation lied elsewhere than long term with the military, although I quickly advanced within the ranks of my unit because of my meritorious service. At this point I did not see my service to country conflicting with my religious beliefs. I continued to offer support to soldiers by coordinating chapel services with the student preaching majors from my college on drill weekends. I enjoyed the Warrior Task Training with my unit every year because it was bold and adventurous compared to the laborious office work that plagued my section every month. To me, the training was like a game of laser tag or paintball.

The turning point came earlier this year at my unit’s Warrior Task Training at Fort McClellan, AL from May 14th to 18th. I could no longer keep my composure when I started to realize that the targets we are training to fire at represent actual fathers, sons, daughters, wives, husbands, best friends, human beings. I escaped the reality of what we were training for by “having fun” to numb the pain. On two of the evenings that week I went out and drank exceedingly over the limit of what I can handle. My CSM was very disappointed in the display of my character not only as an NCO, but also as a person of faith. We talked about it, but I was not honest with him about the motivations for my wild behavior- how could I be honest with him if I was not even honest with myself or God? I came home cold and bitter, until I heard a sermon preached by a visiting priest at Sacred Heart, the Catholic Church I attend in Camden, NJ. He spoke about love casting out fear, violence, and war. I finally broke down into tears and a trusted friend revealed to me a truth they had been holding onto for a month. My friend said, “You always told me that you could stay in the military as a person of faith because it did not affect you, but the truth is that it does affect you, it has changed you.” It was this WTT training in May 2007 that crystallized my beliefs of being a CO.

(4) When These Beliefs Become Incompatible with Combatant Service and Why: My beliefs did not become incompatible with Combatant Service until recently. I went to a conference in January 2007 to network with relief organizations I wanted to work for after my time of service ended in the military. I was watching an informational video of a particular organization’s field teams in Iraq, when I had a rather embarrassing PTSD moment that interrupted their presentation. I cried out, “how can anyone like me help these people, I am a trained killer!” I left the conference believing I would be a lifetime slave to the military industrial complex, and vowed to volunteer for immediate deployment to Iraq.

The very first drill weekend after that conference, January 6-7, 2007, I marched into my CSM’s office and told him of my desire to deploy to Iraq. I said I’d like to possibly switch into Civil Affairs or look into becoming an Arabic linguist. He immediately took me to the 489th Civil Affairs unit that was drilling next door so they could provide me with accurate information about the MOS. I expected Civil Affairs to be the humanitarian aid side of the military. I was, however, surprised to find out that it wasn’t simply just meeting people’s needs; it was about working with the local Iraqi people to comply with the “Commanders intent.” Out my love and concern for the people, I could endanger the lives of fellow soldiers. I started having nightmares about disobeying the orders of my superiors and approaching civilians- women in need and children that cried to be held.

All of the mental confusion from Basic Training that I had forgotten came rushing back. I still wanted to deploy, but not without understanding what I was deploying into. I decided to commit the last semester of my senior year at Johnson to studying war, not only the current events occurring in Iraq, but God’s view on war and the application it had to me. I wanted to know how a person of faith could serve as a soldier. I sought out answers from professors and friends at school- and under their advice read several books on the Christian Just War Theory. After much debate and estrangement with the principals taught at my College, I realized I was on my own in my beliefs. Nothing in mind justifies taking human life, and there is an abundance of injustice for Iraqi civilians in this war our Government is waging. I was beginning to question my existence in the military- searching deep into the motivations for why I joined in the first place. I still wanted to stay with the military, to honor my commitment and not give in to the abandonment of something because is challenging to my belief system. I do think, however, that once the very institution I am a part of is contradictory to my personal identity as a person of faith, it is not just my choice to leave that entity. It is a command to obey all that God asks me to be, or not to be.

I now realize that my role in the military contributes to the greater mission and purpose of the Army. I may not be on the front lines, even though there are no front lines, but my mission as the S-1 NCO contributes to the cycle of violence that I strongly oppose. Today's Army trains every male and female to kill, following the motto, "everyone is an infantryman first." Because I do not believe in taking another human beings life, I, in no way, can remain true to my beliefs by being a part of this training that is geared towards ending human life.

(5) Acceptable Uses of Force: I am not a Pacifist, because I believe that making peace involves action. It is unfortunate that we live in a fallen world; evil does exist, and will continue to exist despite all of our efforts at making peace. I wish I lived in a world where I could walk home after dark and not have to be escorted by males- I’m currently living in Camden, NJ, the 4th most violent city in the United States. In Camden, I am not invisible to the eyes of the males with harassing stares and obvious motives. It is difficult to release the bitter hatred that built up in my heart as men in Cairo, Egypt verbally assaulted me. I wish that I could have done more to address the sexual comments made about myself and other females by males in the Army- even from our own unit.

If someone on the street attacked me, I would use every measure of self-defense, or expect someone from my accompanying party to protect me in a way that does not severely harm the attacker. Yes, it does take force to physically remove an opponent, just as it would take as much force to directly place one-self in front of that opponent to protect the one being attacked. I would not, however, want my attacker to receive more brutal force than is necessary to prevent him/her from the original attack. I find that an appropriate use of force is only acceptable when defending those who are defenseless. I think this is ideally the role of the police force and a positive goal of the U.S military. I do agree with the use of the police force only because it is accountable to a larger entity. Historically, in dealing with international conflict, the military has lacked in accountability with little regard for international interests or responsibilities. The very premise of the military, not just the U.S military, but also all militaries, is to attempt peace through violence. However, because of the massive scale of war, the end result is typically that another party of the “defenseless” is severely injured or killed. Justification for the use of force is effective only as much as the result - injury or death - is acceptable to one’s human conscience. I am not the judge of any other human conscience, I can only speak for my own: To me, any amount of force that results in the death or serious injury of another human being is absolutely unacceptable.

(6) Demonstration of Consistency and Depth: This process that simply started with questioning my role as a “Christian soldier” during my last semester of College turned out to be quite a bit more than I expected. I wanted to know more about the current situation in Iraq because I wanted to understand how I could contribute a year of voluntary deployment to helping the Iraqi civilians and live as a witness of hope among fellow soldiers. My servant’s heart that desired to help people in need cried, “I want to go over there and help fix the mess!” The shocking reality was the realization that I am the mess. I represent everything the military stands for when I wear the uniform. I represent not only our declared “War on Terrorism”, but also all of the wars in the history of humanity fought in the name of religion. Once I started addressing some of these convictions, my lifestyle at Johnson Bible College dramatically changed. I lost most of my friendships due to misunderstandings in the person I was becoming. To my friends at Johnson, I was the girl who wanted to save the world by doing relief work in the Middle East and gung-ho about the Army. That was the established identity I had for the past 4 years at school. It was very hard for my friends to accept the changes that were occurring in me.

This was a turning point for me at Johnson: I used to be seen as “someone who would do great things for the Kingdom”, but once I started disagreeing with everyone I became “too radical” and “theologically confused.” My attitude was horrible. I adopted a rebellious spirit because I was sick of being in a bubble completely ignorant to a world of emerging pain. It was not just the military that I struggled with- I was angry with the entire focus of my educational plan for the past 4 years: I knew more about the hermeneutical contextualization of the Bible than the global war on poverty; I knew more about unreached people groups (where there are no churches) than large-scale people groups that are suffering; I knew how to translate the entire epistle of 1 John from the original Greek language, but I couldn’t prove my love for God in the midst of broken relationships. It pains me now that I know more about the care and use of the M16A2 firing rifle than the innocent Iraqi civilians who have lost loved ones due to our fear of “weapons of mass destruction.”

(7) Demonstration of Lifestyle Change: I moved to Camden immediately following my graduation at Johnson Bible College. For the past four years, I studied and trained to live in a third-world country across the ocean. Now, because of the recent development and change in my beliefs, I want to first simply live as a person of faith in my own backyard. I have intentionally moved to Camden to live in community with other like-minded believers. My new group of friends and I live in what is called an “intentional faith community.” We share our resources, income, debts, time, relationships, pain, and lives with each other. I have been learning so much about the toll my life has on others, especially the stamp I leave upon the environment. I have adopted vegetarian habits and try to only eat meat when I know its source. Because I believe that my life is accountable to a larger entity (God), I now see how my very lifestyle affects other people's interests. The lifestyle of being a Vegetarian is simply a way of conserving resources. The majority of the U.S clean water supply is used to hydrate cattle and farm animals that we consume, and a large portion of the third world is dying of dehydration. I rarely shop for clothes anymore, and just three weeks ago I pulled two large trash bag’s worth of clothing that had a strange origin on the tag. I used to drive a Jeep Wrangler, but decided last month that I needed to sell it because of the waste of gas money, the toll that gas plays on the environment, and the aggressive mode I adopt every time I get behind the wheel. I left my Jeep in Columbus, OH, and now bike and take the Greyhound bus for long distance trips. I have even become more aware of my coffee selection. I will only drink coffee if it is fair-trade, as opposed to the 3-4 café mochas I used to gulp down every drill weekend from Starbucks. In the near future I would like to go to the West Bank with a Christian Peacemaker Team. I represented their organization at a music festival in early July. This organization is dedicated to making peace in war-zones. They currently do not have teams in Iraq because of the war, but as soon as the opportunity opens up, I plan on going to Iraq to help the people who have lost so much.